During our last check-in, we discussed boundaries. If you didn’t get a chance to check it out, you can click HERE. There is a blog post and a podcast episode there to help you understand why healthy boundaries are important.
As we get closer to the winter holidays, I feel it’s important to touch on people-pleasing. Don’t get me wrong, this bad habit is important during other months of the year, but the holidays are a great place to start if you need the practice.
Are You a People-Pleaser
If you are anything like me, you enjoy serving others. In fact, serving people brings you happiness. Unfortunately, there are those who recognize someone with a kind and caring spirit and make it their mission to take advantage of them. Taking advantage can range from using the people-pleaser to do tasks they don’t want to do to extreme cases of borrowing large amounts of money that the people-pleaser cannot afford to part with. Either way, it is up to you, the possible people-pleaser to recognize the signs of your detrimental behavior.
Answer these questions to find out if you could be a people pleaser:
- Are you known for being too generous?
- Do you take on more tasks than you can realistically handle?
- Does it feel unnatural to ask for things you need?
- Do you deny your needs to keep the peace with others?
- Do you often put your self-care aside to care for others?
- Do you feel useless if someone doesn’t need your help?
- Do you go out of your way to keep others from getting upset?
- Do you avoid defending yourself in disagreements?
- Do you let others know when they’ve hurt you?
- Is it okay not to be told “thank you” when you help someone?
Answering “yes” to two or more of these questions means you are probably a people-pleaser. While it isn’t easy to break the habit, it can be done.
The first step is to come up with a list of boundaries you would like to set and with whom. This is a wishlist of sorts. Hold onto this until you are ready to implement.
Next, it is time to do the work required to figure out your needs. You have been acquiescing to the desires of others for so long, you may not recall the things you enjoy doing for yourself.
Once you figure out what you like to do, it is time to start doing it. To make it less uncomfortable, block time for yourself on your calendar. That way, if you’d like, you can still make time to do for others. Putting yourself on your own calendar is also a very subtle way to start enforcing your boundaries.
The last and possibly most difficult step in this new journey is learning to take as much as you give. This is a good time to get the boundary list out from Step 1. In order to have a full and healthy relationship, you have to get better at this part. Otherwise, you may create resentment and destroy yourself and the relationship in the process. Would you believe that you are doing people a disservice by not allowing them to support you when you need it? Well, it’s true.
Consider these questions:
- What tasks can you get others to assist you with?
- What would it do for your physical, mental, and spiritual health if you had more time for yourself?
- Would you like to include more self-care activities in your day?
- Are there people offering to support you, but you turn them away?
- Do you think it is weak to ask for support?
- Do the people you support seem weak to you?
Every one of us is different. We were all raised differently and believe differently. You may have been raised with a strong will to help others. That doesn’t mean that others were raised to do the same. Likewise, some people are raised believing that it is okay to ask for help without being made to feel like a failure for doing so. The rules, principles, or habits of thinking you live by were ingrained in you early in life. Once you recognize how they serve you – either positive or negative – you have to decide when it’s time to change.
The fact is that being a helping and supportive person is wonderful until it’s not. You can get burned out and that’s not what you want. The idea is that your relationships should be balanced. What do you hope to accomplish by tipping the scales to make it look like you do more than the other person? Are you seeking their approval? You don’t have to do that anymore. You need to get to a place where you are only showing kindness when you mean it; authentically.
If you find that you need help doing this, let’s talk about it during a complimentary discovery call. Click HERE to schedule our time together.
Ms. Simelton has been missing since October 22, 2021. She is 15 years old and her family fears she may be with an adult predator. Jada went missing from Houston, Texas. She is 5’5” and weighs approximately 120 pounds. Jada has medium brown complexion, black shoulder-length hair, and beautiful brown eyes. You will recognize Jada by the gap between her front teeth and moderate acne on her face. She isn’t known to wear glasses or contacts.
When Jada was last seen, she was wearing a pink shirt, pink leggings, and a pink jacket.
This information was obtained from 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗰.𝗰𝗼𝗺
𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲.
Life Coach + Podcast Host
𝙎𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙖 𝘼𝙣𝙩𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝, 𝙥𝙤𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛-𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙤𝙥𝙞𝙘𝙨. 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙜𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙮, 𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙮𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙚, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛-𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙢 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙨. 𝙎𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙖 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙤𝙮𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙜𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙮 (𝘾𝘽𝙏) 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙮 (𝙍𝙀𝘽𝙏) 𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙣𝙞𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙬𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣 𝙙𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙡𝙤𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙘 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 – 𝙙𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙙𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙚𝙡𝙨𝙚.
𝙁𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨, 𝙎𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙖 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙧𝙖𝙬𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙚 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙜𝙤𝙖𝙡𝙨. 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙛𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙢𝙖𝙙𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚. 𝙋𝙧𝙞𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝, 𝙎𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙖 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙪𝙨𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙙. 𝙃𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙞𝙘 𝙆𝙞𝙙𝙣𝙚𝙮 𝘿𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚, 𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙪𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙡𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙬𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙖 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙠𝙞𝙙𝙣𝙚𝙮 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙧𝙮. 𝙏𝙤𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮’𝙫𝙚 𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙙 3 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙎𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙝𝙬𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙁𝙡𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙙𝙖.